Don't Waste Your Life

One of our profs at NUS used to say, social workers are like professional beggars.

I hate it.

I hate it when people look down on me/ us just because we don't have money to pay them what they want. Or don't have money to pay the insane amounts of money corporate 'trainers' charge. Or think that what we have to offer is an insult.

Maybe it's because I seriously don't believe the work we do is of any less worth than what others are doing and charging. Except somehow some people think that just because we don't charge as high, our work is not as valuable.

I hate it when people look down on us. Or even those who think that we have an easy job.

I was really lost for words. Really didn't know what to say to her and for her.

I think even though death is something I think about relatively often, given my slightly more morbid outlook on life and the nature of my work, I realised that it is really still not easy to talk to someone who is staring at death in its face.

Facing the Giant Shadow. How fitting, a giant shadow that covers over all that you see and all that you perceive, darkening every footstep. The shadow of the valley of death. When will light come?

We know that Despair = Suffering - Meaning. Happiness doesn't come on its own, but it comes with the successful pursuit of meaning, when there is more to life than just that shadow, even though the shadow seems to be all that we can see.

I tried to explore and help her think about meaning, but at times I felt that I was being insensitive, even to the point when I felt talking about meaning was an insult to her suffering. I felt trapped in between knowing that finding meaning will really help her to cope with her suffering, but yet feeling that meaning was so far away for her. How do we even talk about meaning when all she wants is to survive? But yet without meaning, her suffering is even more torturous.

Does anyone know how I could explore about meaning and suffering without descending into insensitivity and without having it all fly over my client's head?

______________________________________________________

"Once an individual's search for meaning is successful, it not only renders him happy but also gives him the capability to cope with suffering? And what happens if one's groping for a meaning has been in vain? It may well result in a fatal condition.

The more a patient, instead of forgetting himself through giving himself, directly strives for orgasm, i.e. sexual pleasure, the more this pursuit of sexual pleasure becomes self-defeating. Indeed, what is called 'the pleasure principle' is, rather, a fun-spoiler."

Viktor E. Frankl - Man's Search for Meaning.

Some of you know that I was really quite disappointed in myself after Live Supervision on Monday. Felt quite upset firstly at my lousy micro-skills and then by the fact that I can't seem to get over and resolve some of my personal transference issues. In fact, at the debrief I could feel my tears welling up; I was just so irritated at my own issues.

And because of that, I started feeling very much like I wasn't fit to do counselling anymore, I kept doubting whether I could do a good job and whether my clients would benefit. And I was really afraid, because I thought those fears and insecurities would make me an even worse counselor.

This morning on my way to work, I decided to go listen to a random Corrinne May song. And it brought me to one of my fave Corrinne May songs which I had not listened to for some time; 'Five Loaves and Two Fishes'.



For a long time, I have not felt encouraged by a song already. But I felt the tears welling up as I listened to it. Take my fears, my inhibitions, all my burdens and ambitions..

I said a silent prayer. I often think about that boy, when I'm feeling small. When I worry about the work I do.. means nothing at all.. Lord, assure me that what I do is significant. I crave so much for significance. But every single tear I cry is a diamond in his hands; and every door that slams in my face I will offer up in prayer..

Asking God to take the little I have and feed the thousands with it. So I'll give you every breath that I have.. Oh Lord You can work miracles.. All you need is my Amen...

And with that, I reached my office door. The day began, my only counselling session at 2:30pm which I really felt inadequate. My client has been going through the toughest time of his life, but today he came and told me that he's just been through some shit that 'tops it all'. I listened, patiently, asking questions, clarifying, reflecting, paraphrasing, empathising, challenging, guiding his thoughts, drawing strengths. Micro-skills. I didn't have much theory, but just helped him process his thoughts in ways that I normally process my thoughts.

The session lasted 1.5hrs. I rounded it up and gave a small piece of homework. He was keen on it and said that homework gave him some perspective.

And at the end as we walked out of the counseling room, he said 'Thank you for not running away like my previous counselor. Maybe he couldn't take what I was telling him, or maybe he just didn't understand.'

Wow.

That.Blew.My.Mind.

Don't think I need to elaborate why. :)

For my colleagues and fellow social workers, this is for you.

"We have chosen to work in the trenches of a field where our efforts rarely reward us with immediate gratification. There will be days, probably more than not, when we wonder whether we’re making any difference at all—when clients relapse, communities exhibit apathy, and legislators make policies that further disenfranchise the vulnerable and marginalized in our society. It is at these times when our beliefs in the human spirit and resiliency, and our faith in the people for whom we are fighting, is most crucial."

- Allison Anais Brunner

Gotta pen this down before the intensity of the emotions dissipates.

I just terminated a client.

I had intended to bring up the topic of termination just so that I could ease him into the process of cutting off our counseling relationship. I thought I'd at least have 1 more session with him and imagined him having some termination anxiety. How wrong. He was more prepared than me to terminate and was absolutely fine with it. In his words, he said he had wanted to see a counselor because he was going through a crisis. Now that the crisis has stabilised, he shares that he as always been coping and there was no reason why he will not be able to cope now. *Liren smiles a satisfied smile to himself at client's resilience*

It turned out that termination was more of MY issue. I had some anxiety about it because it was, for me, THE case. It was my most complicated case thus far, and I think for me, working with him forced me to think about many issues. And it taught me many things too. Many of the issues we learn about in school was placed before me IN MY FACE. :)

1. People can cope. But they need to come to terms with their past in order to cope with their present. That's the difficult part.

2. Just talking and having someone listen to you non-judgmentally is therapeutic.

3. Church sucks, God rocks. I hope God rocks the sucky church.

4. Life is deep. People can be super deep without counselors and without much education.

5. Reality is reality. Psychological research is academia.

6. Hiding is our greatest skill.

And some other things that I can't mention here cos they are more detailed and I don't want to compromise confidentiality.