On my own
It's 8:20pm on a Saturday evening, and I'm sitting alone in my room, wondering what is to be of my life. Looked at photos of an old army pal on facebook, and man, he looks like he's got it going for him. Church, work, engagement, everything. Even those photos of him preaching and others attentively taking notes of his message.
I look at those around me, especially those who went through the past few years of life with me, and I start to panic. Every one of them is earning more than me. I'm not earning enough, some have salaries that come agonisingly close to being double that of mine. And to be honest, I think my job takes just as much.
What the hell am I doing what I'm doing for? Putting in so much thought for cases, so much reflection, so much worry. For what?!
I'm so tired from work, so drained, I don't even feel very much like meeting people or talking to people. I'm sick and tired of working every fuckin Saturday and going to play drums after that and on Sunday morning. I'm bloody tired and sick of this kind of disgusting weekend when it's supposed to be my rest day. But who knows? And oh yes, I nearly forgot, it's like some sort of responsibility isn't it? It's my attitude that's the problem isn't it? I have to change, isn't it? The problem always lies with me right?
I haven't got it going for me, I don't know where I'm heading. I'm bloody scared. I haven't got it going, I haven't arrived, I haven't anything. I haven't got it going, I haven't arrived, I haven't anything. I haven't got it going, I haven't arrived, I haven't anything. I haven't got it going, I haven't arrived, I haven't anything.
Oh God. Where are You?
______
Full Circle
And so after 9 November, I'm starting to experience one by one the various things that happened the same time last year leading us to where we are now. 9/10 November is one of those days.
It wasn't perfect, although I wanted it to be so. I'm sorry that I had a black face for the 2nd half that day. I was just fighting a crazy battle within myself.
Fighting the inner voice that told me if I didn't do it all perfect, I wouldn't be loved and appreciated. Fighting that voice that told me once again there were 'things to improve on' despite my best efforts, just like every other Maths test since Primary 2. Fighting that voice that told me I didn't have it all going for me, I haven't arrived, I haven't anything. Fighting, fighting, fighting the thoughts that nobody would be proud of me in this whole freaking life I live.
Fighting to perform in every aspect of my life so I'd be appreciated. Fighting to be good enough to be loved.
I just want to love you, you and you. And be loved back. I just want you all to be proud of me, even when I don't perform. I just want to be accepted for who I am.
And of course, at this point, the tears are streaming.
But who is there to see the tears?
Nobody.
As usual.
I look at those around me, especially those who went through the past few years of life with me, and I start to panic. Every one of them is earning more than me. I'm not earning enough, some have salaries that come agonisingly close to being double that of mine. And to be honest, I think my job takes just as much.
What the hell am I doing what I'm doing for? Putting in so much thought for cases, so much reflection, so much worry. For what?!
I'm so tired from work, so drained, I don't even feel very much like meeting people or talking to people. I'm sick and tired of working every fuckin Saturday and going to play drums after that and on Sunday morning. I'm bloody tired and sick of this kind of disgusting weekend when it's supposed to be my rest day. But who knows? And oh yes, I nearly forgot, it's like some sort of responsibility isn't it? It's my attitude that's the problem isn't it? I have to change, isn't it? The problem always lies with me right?
I haven't got it going for me, I don't know where I'm heading. I'm bloody scared. I haven't got it going, I haven't arrived, I haven't anything. I haven't got it going, I haven't arrived, I haven't anything. I haven't got it going, I haven't arrived, I haven't anything. I haven't got it going, I haven't arrived, I haven't anything.
Oh God. Where are You?
______
Full Circle
And so after 9 November, I'm starting to experience one by one the various things that happened the same time last year leading us to where we are now. 9/10 November is one of those days.
It wasn't perfect, although I wanted it to be so. I'm sorry that I had a black face for the 2nd half that day. I was just fighting a crazy battle within myself.
Fighting the inner voice that told me if I didn't do it all perfect, I wouldn't be loved and appreciated. Fighting that voice that told me once again there were 'things to improve on' despite my best efforts, just like every other Maths test since Primary 2. Fighting that voice that told me I didn't have it all going for me, I haven't arrived, I haven't anything. Fighting, fighting, fighting the thoughts that nobody would be proud of me in this whole freaking life I live.
Fighting to perform in every aspect of my life so I'd be appreciated. Fighting to be good enough to be loved.
I just want to love you, you and you. And be loved back. I just want you all to be proud of me, even when I don't perform. I just want to be accepted for who I am.
And of course, at this point, the tears are streaming.
But who is there to see the tears?
Nobody.
As usual.
well .. you are not alone (meaning i'm feeling the same) about all the shit that is going around right now. but i guess the greatest comfort for me is that I know i am part of the story that God is unfolding around me. i may play a small part..i may play a big part.. but i know that i definitely have a part to play. difficult as it might seem, being unable to make sense of what is coming next (unlike those days where you just counted down the number of days till you got your pink IC), i think we just need to understand that every protagonist has his battles to win before he finds victory in the larger picture. hang on bro!
Is money or pay really all that important? Getting a nice car, house, being financially well off, having kids and having the money to send them to good expensive colleges? Those are indeed things that are good to have but definitely not Great to have.
You are a disciple of God, one who was chosen to love the loveless and provide for the lost, His Lost people. No-one will noe the pain & heartache you have to go thru in your job except for yourself & God.
This is something that you have to endure if you want to do His will, which is seldom easy.
However the one thing you have that very few others have is the willingness + opportunity to do His work where He need you the most. Your reward will be in heaven where it is neither trivial nor perishable. (1 Corinthians 9:24-27) Now that isn't that something great to have?
Take heart and press on despite whatever setbacks you face. The people around you are proud of you and will be praying for you as you run your race for Him.
hmm. who's anonymous arh? can pls reveal ur identity?