Don't Waste Your Life

'Other passengers will not sit next to me, if they can help it. They probably think I take up too much space or they're worried my fat would jump off my body and infect them,'

'People snigger and whisper behind my back all the time. Once, some students burst into hysterical giggles when I walked into a lift,'

'When you are fat, people look at you with either pity or fear.'
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'When you're slim, you're more pleasant on the eye. When you're big, people think: slow and lazy,'
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'Once, when I was in a lift with my husband, two women gossiped in Chinese and wondered how he could bear to be with someone so huge. My husband, who understands Chinese, scolded them,'
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People, he says, gape at him all the time.

'They look at me from top to bottom before stopping at my waist to wonder how my legs could support the rest of me.'

He adds: 'It takes time to take all of me in so I just stand there and smile. Sometimes, I feel like saying: 'Hey, would you like me to turn around?''

It's been said that many people use humour to mask pain. The Eurasian readily acknowledges he did that when he was young.

Life as a pudgy schoolboy was not easy when he had to deal with nicknames such as lifebuoy and feh jai (Cantonese for fat boy).

'I especially dreaded swimming lessons because I was so embarrassed about other people seeing my fat body. It didn't help that I came from a school highly regarded for its swimmers,' says the Anglo-Chinese School alumnus with a mock moan.

'But when I grew older, I realised that if you don't learn how to laugh and accept yourself first, it will be very hard for others to accept you,' says Mr Poulier

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Well, I'm no 150kg or 200kg giant. Wah, but when I read today's Saturday review, a lot of my own emotions came up. I've written poignant pieces here before about being fat before, but I think I've grown since then too, and I do have more thoughts to share.

I personally think skinny people will never understand what it's like to be fat. It's just the way people look at you, or the things that are kind of implied with their words. I remember my boss in army, TLWM used to call me 'a piece of lard.' And at that point I was probably at my skinniest ever.

It's not that easy.. even stuff like buying a pair of jeans for example, can be quite daunting. 'Can I try a 38 please?' 'oh. the 38 couldn't fit. do you have 40?'

'Sorry, sir. 38 is our biggest size.'

'Oh. Ok. It's alright then.'

I remember when I was diagnosed with hypertension last year, the kind of emotional trauma I went through. How doctors really can be quite insensitive to their patient's emotional state. I do wonder sometimes if it comes from a 'i'm-a-doctor-and-if-you-don't-listen-to-me-you're-gonna-die-soon' attitude.

I remember relatives around me who found out. Some who sent smses out of concern but which could be totally insensitive.

People need to start to differentiate correlation and causality. Sure, obesity is correlated to health problems. But not all obese people have health problems, and not all people with cholesterol and blood pressure problems are fat.

It's disgusting that people just see a fat person, and immediately label you as slow and unmotivated. Oh, trust me, I've been labelled that way before, and so has everyone else who's got a bit of bulge.

It doesn't help that our schools are conveniently labelling all bigger-sized kids by putting them in a programme that is essentially the reverse spelling of a synonym of obesity. We've got all these fat kids growing up with low self-esteem, punished by not allowing them recesses and making them run during recess, laughed at by their classmates when they come back from recess all sweaty and hungry. Oh, and they look REALLY greedy if they buy food and try to wolf it down on the way back to class without being caught by the teacher. Woohoo.

I remember this kid we invited to our church youth bbq last year. Shrill voice, no puberty yet, and quite plump. Like me when I was his age. And at the bbq, we kept wondering where our chicken chops went to. Someone found him hiding in a corner with 5 chicken chops stacked on his plate. He ate alone. In that, I saw the tension between acceptance and control. I'm pretty sure he went to eat somewhere alone with his 5 chicken chop, because he knew if he ate that many chicken chop in anyone else's presence, he would've been judged big-time. I've been through that myself.

It's the system, stupid.

From personal experience, all the fat person needs, is really your acceptance. That you don't give a special glance when she asks for more rice, or reaches for that dessert. She doesn't need you to slap her wrist.

And unconditional acceptance at that. Not acceptance 'if he promises to work on the weight, cut down on suppers'. Not acceptance 'if he fits into a size 34.' Unconditional.

I think that when the fat person comes to accept himself because he can be safe with those around him, weight-loss becomes a joy. Because he can finally be himself. He can go exercise and not have people stare at him at the running track. He can walk into a gym with all the guys pumping iron and not feel that he's a piece of lard.

How on earth, do you expect a fat person to lose weight when he faces all these pressures the moment he tries to do something about it?

Thankfully, I think I'm slowly becoming more secure, with the unconditional acceptance and security of those around me. Of course, I hope for more acceptance, but things are much better now. :) Thanks a million to those around me, who accept me just as i am. Tummy and all.