I need some closure
Many things have been happening since the Thursday I had my Thesis presentation, some are a little too personal to share here. :)
Maybe just a little update?
My myanmar trip has been cancelled. I'm sure most of you who follow the news will know why. It's just too luan4 to go there now. I heard the youths over in Myanmar are quite disappointed.
Reach has hastily come up with a new plan, to go to Cambodia for 7 days, but the youths are really not very settled about it. Mich mentioned that she feels like she's going through a grieving process, like 1 years' worth of work has suddenly been lost.
School work has been crazy, plus the church has just announced the full plan for Christmas 2007, and it really is gonna be BIG this time. We have a youth Christmas service this year, something we have been fighting for for years. Finally, we have our chance to shine. And as the leader of the youth group, I have to be there to push for its success. I have to work real hard during December, and this isnt the only thing. My thesis data-collection will be in December as well. All these only came in during the recent months, after I had committed to go for Reach's expedition in February. And I can't cope.
So when the news of the cancellation of Myanmar came, it was, quite honestly, a relief for me. I felt like a big load had been taken off my shoulders, although it was a load that only came cos I peered into what December would be like for me.
But when I went for the briefing-cum-break-the-news meeting at Reach today, all that changed. I had been so busy that I had compartmentalised my feelings about the cancellation into a corner of my brain so I didn't have to think about it and could focus on my work. But when i saw every one again, the emotions came back. I briefly considered going to Cambodia, but my rational brain said 'Liren, fill in the refund form.'
In a very real sense, I do feel i've let many people down. The youths, my team mates whom I have been working with, those who I interviewed and accepted into the team. Mich, Ed, Joe n Joanne. Reach even paid $200 for me to go on the recce and $600 for me to join the leaders' training. They certainly benefited me personally, but I have decided I cannot contribute back to them with the good preparation they have endowed me with. I do feel in a sense, that I have failed Reach. Perhaps part of the struggle is knowing/ thinking that I will really enjoy myself much more going on an expedition than working on my church's christmas programme. Sometimes, working with my youths can be a great discouragement. Just ask me what happened to our proposed No Apologies programme for this sunday.
It's not that i don't want to go to Cambodia, but the time frame of it all, i really can't. Someone forgive me.
Ed and the youths sat in the room after the meeting, helping them to process their thoughts and feelings. The feeling of loss and 'not-repaying-back' became too strong, and I decided to leave. I had thought that I could do lunch with some of them after the meeting at least and help me to close my emotions (even though I also wanted to quickly come home and rush my assignment), but when I saw Ed start eating his Big Breakfast at 12noon, I knew that chance had gone too.
And so I left, walked out with Corinna, shared some of my struggles with her, and we parted at the bus 55 berth at Bishan Interchange.
Ed smsed at 3:47pm 'Hey meet for dinner sometime.'
I want to go to Myanmar.
But as Ed says, perhaps, the best way we can help them now, is not to go.
It's been such a difficult day.
Here's back to writing my paper on Anorexia and Family Therapy.
Maybe just a little update?
My myanmar trip has been cancelled. I'm sure most of you who follow the news will know why. It's just too luan4 to go there now. I heard the youths over in Myanmar are quite disappointed.
Reach has hastily come up with a new plan, to go to Cambodia for 7 days, but the youths are really not very settled about it. Mich mentioned that she feels like she's going through a grieving process, like 1 years' worth of work has suddenly been lost.
School work has been crazy, plus the church has just announced the full plan for Christmas 2007, and it really is gonna be BIG this time. We have a youth Christmas service this year, something we have been fighting for for years. Finally, we have our chance to shine. And as the leader of the youth group, I have to be there to push for its success. I have to work real hard during December, and this isnt the only thing. My thesis data-collection will be in December as well. All these only came in during the recent months, after I had committed to go for Reach's expedition in February. And I can't cope.
So when the news of the cancellation of Myanmar came, it was, quite honestly, a relief for me. I felt like a big load had been taken off my shoulders, although it was a load that only came cos I peered into what December would be like for me.
But when I went for the briefing-cum-break-the-news meeting at Reach today, all that changed. I had been so busy that I had compartmentalised my feelings about the cancellation into a corner of my brain so I didn't have to think about it and could focus on my work. But when i saw every one again, the emotions came back. I briefly considered going to Cambodia, but my rational brain said 'Liren, fill in the refund form.'
In a very real sense, I do feel i've let many people down. The youths, my team mates whom I have been working with, those who I interviewed and accepted into the team. Mich, Ed, Joe n Joanne. Reach even paid $200 for me to go on the recce and $600 for me to join the leaders' training. They certainly benefited me personally, but I have decided I cannot contribute back to them with the good preparation they have endowed me with. I do feel in a sense, that I have failed Reach. Perhaps part of the struggle is knowing/ thinking that I will really enjoy myself much more going on an expedition than working on my church's christmas programme. Sometimes, working with my youths can be a great discouragement. Just ask me what happened to our proposed No Apologies programme for this sunday.
It's not that i don't want to go to Cambodia, but the time frame of it all, i really can't. Someone forgive me.
Ed and the youths sat in the room after the meeting, helping them to process their thoughts and feelings. The feeling of loss and 'not-repaying-back' became too strong, and I decided to leave. I had thought that I could do lunch with some of them after the meeting at least and help me to close my emotions (even though I also wanted to quickly come home and rush my assignment), but when I saw Ed start eating his Big Breakfast at 12noon, I knew that chance had gone too.
And so I left, walked out with Corinna, shared some of my struggles with her, and we parted at the bus 55 berth at Bishan Interchange.
Ed smsed at 3:47pm 'Hey meet for dinner sometime.'
I want to go to Myanmar.
But as Ed says, perhaps, the best way we can help them now, is not to go.
It's been such a difficult day.
Here's back to writing my paper on Anorexia and Family Therapy.
*hugs* dont worry sweetheart. everything happens for a reason and this the best thing that is supposed to happen. have faith and give thanks for His wonderful plans even if you dont understand them*hug* ul pull thru. theres a greater plan waiting to come into action. trust Him=)