Who Am I?
I seem to be going through many existential crises all at the same time. It's incredibly painful as I ask myself 'Who Am I?' again and again and again. I realise that I'm really not at peace with myself.
Existential Crisis 1:
All my life I've wanted to be a scholarship holder. Or rather since JC days. I've always felt mediocre in whatever I've sought to achieve. I wanted to prove to myself and those around me that there was something I was good at and I could do as well as anybody. I never achieved that in my studies. I was never good at sports. Others looked good (ok.. they didnt technically achieve that), still others were good at something else. Finally, I received a scholarship. In a field that I noe I'm good at. In a field that I know God has called me to. But yet, I chose not to take it up. It's a $20, 000 decision. The reason is because if I took the scholarship, I would've had to work with Viriya Community Services for two years. It's a Buddhist organisation, and it's orientation is explicitly Buddhist. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that because it's a Buddhist organisation, I can't work for them, or anything along that line. Or that Christians will reject anything Buddhist. It's not that, in fact I LOVE the work that DREAMS does. (DREAMS is the centre that Viriya runs for youths at-risk). It's so awesome, I even recommended them to two RJC volunteers who walked into Reach today. but as I talked to Dad, to Xiao-zhen and to Falicia, I realised that I have values myself, values that I do not wish to be diluted or changed. Especially so in my first early years as a freshly graduated social worker, I'd like to be able to at least maintain these values.
I rejected a scholarship. A scholarship that could've saved my parents $20,000. A scholarship in a field I love, and a scholarship I've wanted so badly. I honestly feel so bad. Bernard, am I still double-minded? Please don't blankly accuse me.
Existential Crisis 2:
Been reading and thinking about my childhood and adolescence, and how it can potentially affect my work as a social worker in the future. As I run through those things, I could never find something deeply hurting or painful that affected me deeply. But I always felt that something was wrong with me, and somehow I could not find peace within myself.
I finally realised what it was on sunday as I sat on my bed praying before going to church. I realised that I have so much compassion for the poor, that I'm unable to accept myself for coming from a relatively well-to-do background. That's why I really hate it when people even suggest to me that I'm rich, can-afford-it etc etc etc. I cringe at myself everytime people say those things. Because I don't want people to see me as a 'rich-spoilt-brat'.
I can't come to terms with myself, and I find no peace within.
Existential Crisis 3:
Scene: Refreshment table outside Nav rally.
I'd just prepared the refreshments for that rally that day. Bananas with chocolate syrup. Awesome stuff.
Liren stands there eating his FIRST piece of banana.
SJ: Hey! You should stop eating! You're so fat already!
Scene: Refreshment table outside Church service
Liren stands there eating jelly.
SSSE: Hey! Can you stop eating that jelly???? Do you know how fat you already are???!?
Scene: in car with Mr dunno-what's-his-name-but-he's-my-neighbour
Liren sits there doing nothing.
Mr DWHNBHMN: How old are you?
Liren: 23
Mr DWHNBHMN: WOAH!!! 23 only and you have such a figure??!?
Scene: at work, Reach Family Service Centre
Liren sits there thinking about what's being shared at the mentor workshop
Mr EP: Hey Liren. what would you do if your mentee came up to you and said: 'Yeee! I don't like you because you're too fat.'?
Scene: at home, over dinner, eating fried bee hoon
Liren stares at his beehoon, and feeds it into his mouth mechanically. Not cos it tastes especially good or anything, just cos he's tired and can't really think.
Dad: now that you're working in office, try to cut down your carbohydrate intake. Like when you eat lunch, ask for less rice. eat more fruits.
Mom: yes. yes. cut down. cut down. cut down. *reaches out her chopsticks and takes away 1/3 of Liren's beehoon before Liren can make any response*
Liren keeps silent the rest of the dinner.
Honestly, I'm hurt. I'd have thought that the first place I could go to without being judged on that was at home. Thought of some other things that mom said on saturday night. It hurt even more.
Existential crisis number 3: I'm fat. Can people accept me as fat? Can they?
I shared this with NUSHA peeps before, at the shisha place when Jacq-jacq asked me what's my greatest insecurity in life, what keeps me up awake at night. I shared as nakedly and honestly as I possibly could, and they're one bunch that hasn't said shit to me yet in this area. Is it any wonder why I love hanging out with them?
I'd wish I could be totally secure at home, but instead of facilitating that security, I'm being made insecure. I'm made out to be the dirtiest and most untidy person in the world. I'm made out to be making a grave moral mistake. My mom doesnt hesitate to tell me that I turn girls off because of my untidiness. She's been saying it since I was 14.
Perhaps then indeed. I am poorer than the poorest of the poor.
Existential Crisis 1:
All my life I've wanted to be a scholarship holder. Or rather since JC days. I've always felt mediocre in whatever I've sought to achieve. I wanted to prove to myself and those around me that there was something I was good at and I could do as well as anybody. I never achieved that in my studies. I was never good at sports. Others looked good (ok.. they didnt technically achieve that), still others were good at something else. Finally, I received a scholarship. In a field that I noe I'm good at. In a field that I know God has called me to. But yet, I chose not to take it up. It's a $20, 000 decision. The reason is because if I took the scholarship, I would've had to work with Viriya Community Services for two years. It's a Buddhist organisation, and it's orientation is explicitly Buddhist. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that because it's a Buddhist organisation, I can't work for them, or anything along that line. Or that Christians will reject anything Buddhist. It's not that, in fact I LOVE the work that DREAMS does. (DREAMS is the centre that Viriya runs for youths at-risk). It's so awesome, I even recommended them to two RJC volunteers who walked into Reach today. but as I talked to Dad, to Xiao-zhen and to Falicia, I realised that I have values myself, values that I do not wish to be diluted or changed. Especially so in my first early years as a freshly graduated social worker, I'd like to be able to at least maintain these values.
I rejected a scholarship. A scholarship that could've saved my parents $20,000. A scholarship in a field I love, and a scholarship I've wanted so badly. I honestly feel so bad. Bernard, am I still double-minded? Please don't blankly accuse me.
Existential Crisis 2:
Been reading and thinking about my childhood and adolescence, and how it can potentially affect my work as a social worker in the future. As I run through those things, I could never find something deeply hurting or painful that affected me deeply. But I always felt that something was wrong with me, and somehow I could not find peace within myself.
I finally realised what it was on sunday as I sat on my bed praying before going to church. I realised that I have so much compassion for the poor, that I'm unable to accept myself for coming from a relatively well-to-do background. That's why I really hate it when people even suggest to me that I'm rich, can-afford-it etc etc etc. I cringe at myself everytime people say those things. Because I don't want people to see me as a 'rich-spoilt-brat'.
I can't come to terms with myself, and I find no peace within.
Existential Crisis 3:
Scene: Refreshment table outside Nav rally.
I'd just prepared the refreshments for that rally that day. Bananas with chocolate syrup. Awesome stuff.
Liren stands there eating his FIRST piece of banana.
SJ: Hey! You should stop eating! You're so fat already!
Scene: Refreshment table outside Church service
Liren stands there eating jelly.
SSSE: Hey! Can you stop eating that jelly???? Do you know how fat you already are???!?
Scene: in car with Mr dunno-what's-his-name-but-he's-my-neighbour
Liren sits there doing nothing.
Mr DWHNBHMN: How old are you?
Liren: 23
Mr DWHNBHMN: WOAH!!! 23 only and you have such a figure??!?
Scene: at work, Reach Family Service Centre
Liren sits there thinking about what's being shared at the mentor workshop
Mr EP: Hey Liren. what would you do if your mentee came up to you and said: 'Yeee! I don't like you because you're too fat.'?
Scene: at home, over dinner, eating fried bee hoon
Liren stares at his beehoon, and feeds it into his mouth mechanically. Not cos it tastes especially good or anything, just cos he's tired and can't really think.
Dad: now that you're working in office, try to cut down your carbohydrate intake. Like when you eat lunch, ask for less rice. eat more fruits.
Mom: yes. yes. cut down. cut down. cut down. *reaches out her chopsticks and takes away 1/3 of Liren's beehoon before Liren can make any response*
Liren keeps silent the rest of the dinner.
Honestly, I'm hurt. I'd have thought that the first place I could go to without being judged on that was at home. Thought of some other things that mom said on saturday night. It hurt even more.
Existential crisis number 3: I'm fat. Can people accept me as fat? Can they?
I shared this with NUSHA peeps before, at the shisha place when Jacq-jacq asked me what's my greatest insecurity in life, what keeps me up awake at night. I shared as nakedly and honestly as I possibly could, and they're one bunch that hasn't said shit to me yet in this area. Is it any wonder why I love hanging out with them?
I'd wish I could be totally secure at home, but instead of facilitating that security, I'm being made insecure. I'm made out to be the dirtiest and most untidy person in the world. I'm made out to be making a grave moral mistake. My mom doesnt hesitate to tell me that I turn girls off because of my untidiness. She's been saying it since I was 14.
Perhaps then indeed. I am poorer than the poorest of the poor.
poorest of the poor..u must b kiddin me..:-) how about counting all the blessings you hav..hey being rich is kool..there r pepl out here who arnt sure if dey wud manage a decent supper..n sum dont hav money for treatments..just dont giv a damn abt wat pepl say..trust me wat pepl say NEVR EVR matters..its wat u feel n think is important...n ur thinkin shud not b influencd by others..funny thing is pel wud talk no mattr wat u do..if u hav a big car dey wud talk if u dont hav a big car dey wud talk..so liv life by ur rules..do wat maks u happy n wat u believ is right..nuthin else matters..just be answerable2 urself..n u r an amazin person2 think abt social service at ur age..n abt being fat i hav dis huuuuuuuuuuuge crush on dis frnd who is twice my size..has cutttte chubby cheeks n i hav2 really resist myself frm cuddlin him..:-) but cud nevr tell him dat i lik him..dats a looong story:-( so if u wanna diet do it bcoz exces fat is not healthy n do it for urself..~~Smita all da way frm India :-)
perhaps when ppl say u're rich, they jus notice the things u have and expressed it by using the term 'rich', with no evil intention. Also, they deeply respect the work u do at the same time..
perhaps the most impt thing is how u view urself and to soak urself in ppl who accept u for who u r..
n liren, u're of the few ppl whom i noe has a big heart. really =]
cy
hi smita (whoeva you are),
thanks for writing. well, when i wrote about rich in the first part of my entry, i meant materially rich: i find it hard to come to terms with that in myself.
when i ended off with 'perhaps then indeed. I am poorer than the poorest of the poor.' i meant I'm poor in my spirit, because each time i reflect, i have nothing before God and the Lord Jesus, who in His grace is rich and glorious.
Thanks CY for writing too. thanks for your comfort. :) *hug*
Hi! Liren, u r just right! Rich in heart n Robust. :)Just give thanks n b who u r!
In His eyes u r precious. No one is righteous but by His grace and through faith we are justified.
Do you know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20
Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, "Why do you make me like this?"
Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use?
Romans 9:20-21
+ baabaa
hi ren i know exactly wat u meant..n i meant xactly wat i wrote..being materially rich is not bad..point is be happy n spread happiness..anywayz gud luk 2 ya..smita