Today was ok.. kinda dark and gloomy though.. didn't help that it rained for most of the morning.. and i spent 40 minutes waiting at the Gelare cafe at citylink alone waiting for my friend.. these are tiring days.. physically i'm trying to catch up on lost sleep, it's also quite an emotionally taxing time for me.. spiritually i'm kinda lost.. and somehow i feel hollow inside even as i read christian material and stuff.. not sure what the direction is now, or how to get back on track with God.
Today my dad made a very big statement. He said to me in the morning:
"Liren, are you ok? I haven't seen you for quite a few days."
It was quite shocking, cos my dad doesn't say these things. And it takes a lot to say them.
I realised how little time I've been spending at home. And that my parents DO miss me, contrary to what I think sometimes.They just don't express it.
Was very quiet over dinner with mom today. I didn't say much. Nor could I. Somehow, there was a huge ache in my heart about all that's been happening in my life, and much as i wanted to talk to her and tell her about my life.. somehow there was something blocking me.. and it hurt.. i think it hurt her a lot too.. cos she could tell i was hurting inside.. she could sense it.. as moms always do.. but she didn't ask me anything.. she was probably waiting for me to share.. but i couldn't bring myself to do it..
Sigh I wish there was more I could do. I wish i could've spent more time at home with them this hols, but my commitments didn't allow that. I wish i made more effort to chat with them and talk to them, or made time to do the Bible study with them that they desire so much but always falters. I love my parents. I don't know how I would live without them. Yet I'm not sure how much freedom I want. Now that I got pretty much the freedom that I always wanted, yet i want to run back home. That's how it always has been and always will be. We'll always be wanting to run back home.
Many things that I'm thinking through (it seems that I'm always thinking through things huh?), learning to feel again and not to numb myself to things. But somehow, I fear for my heart. I do.
Does someone want to volunteer to take and protect it?
Today my dad made a very big statement. He said to me in the morning:
"Liren, are you ok? I haven't seen you for quite a few days."
It was quite shocking, cos my dad doesn't say these things. And it takes a lot to say them.
I realised how little time I've been spending at home. And that my parents DO miss me, contrary to what I think sometimes.They just don't express it.
Was very quiet over dinner with mom today. I didn't say much. Nor could I. Somehow, there was a huge ache in my heart about all that's been happening in my life, and much as i wanted to talk to her and tell her about my life.. somehow there was something blocking me.. and it hurt.. i think it hurt her a lot too.. cos she could tell i was hurting inside.. she could sense it.. as moms always do.. but she didn't ask me anything.. she was probably waiting for me to share.. but i couldn't bring myself to do it..
Sigh I wish there was more I could do. I wish i could've spent more time at home with them this hols, but my commitments didn't allow that. I wish i made more effort to chat with them and talk to them, or made time to do the Bible study with them that they desire so much but always falters. I love my parents. I don't know how I would live without them. Yet I'm not sure how much freedom I want. Now that I got pretty much the freedom that I always wanted, yet i want to run back home. That's how it always has been and always will be. We'll always be wanting to run back home.
Many things that I'm thinking through (it seems that I'm always thinking through things huh?), learning to feel again and not to numb myself to things. But somehow, I fear for my heart. I do.
Does someone want to volunteer to take and protect it?
as i read ur entry, i wondered if that told my story as well.. i need to get my life back on track as well, with god and with everything else. if u need a friend, call!
Bro,
I'll always be here fighting together with you. Your heart is precious to me and moreso to God.
Take heart my friend! I'll always be coming alongside with you. *hugs*
Hey pal,
As i read ur blog and talk to u on MSN, it hurts me to see u like this. Liren, i'll CONTINUE to pray for u.
But, pal....don't guard your heart too tight because God wants it. HE wants to guard your heart for you. Let HIM in. He wants to teach you and prune you and refine you so that you be that child that HE so longs for you to be....the child that He wants you to be.....
I know deep down inside you, you love Him and you want HIS work to be made complete in you. And i understand that this phase is something that you have to go through. But, go through it with the Lord bro.
You said it hurts ur parents to see you hurt. Let me tell u something, God is even more hurt!! Coz you know why Liren? COZ our father LOVES you SOOOO VEERRRYYY MUUCH!!!!....SOOO much that He wishes so hard that He can be your anchor. He wishes You will tell Him and run to Him....ALL He can only do if you, my brother, allow HIM to.
Take care brother.....
:D